Spanking

A few days ago my three-year-old daughter tried to take her big red guitar out to play at bedtime.  I told her "No".   She continued.  I told her "No, its not time to play guitar, it's time to..."  She continued, with a gleam in her eye.   The third time I said "NO", I stood up from my seat and walked over to her, picked up the guitar, and returned it to it's rightful place.   At that moment, Grace yelled defiantly, "You hitted me!  Don't hit me!!". 

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!    Wha?


Then I did what one ought never do... I argued with her.   "No, I did not!".   "Yes, you did!"  "No, I didn't"... you get the picture.   So I sat down with her on my lap, and asked her "why would you say that?   Has someone hit you? "  She continued to say *I* hit her.  

Now.  I have made a conscious decision in parenting, and that is not to spank.   Logic tells me that removing the reinforcer (attention--toy--tv), explaining expectations, and giving behavior-specific praise are all proper things to do when raising a child.

However... these steps and options fly right out of my mind as I start to REACT.   Unlike past jobs I've held, as a parent I am not here to "work" with this little person.    Sometimes I forget that she's a toddler ...she doesn't need "rights" now, she needs limits.  She doesn't get to decide what's good for her and what's not.  She's too young to choose her own bedtime, plan menus, and poop in the potty.   So I am trying to set up boundaries  and consistency.    This does not include spanking, in my thinking. 

I love this child so much.  Even when she's "bad".   I have to hide my amusement at her defiance, admire her developing skills of manipulation, and feel proud as she explores and tests limits and learns.  I don't want to set limits. At least not consistently.  I tend to react according to my mood, stress level, and patience that day.    This makes for a pretty inconsistent mommy.  Especially when things are stressful and I'm studying and jobless and menopausal and grieving and scared and broke and tired... so tired.  

So in the past couple of months things have been tough.    I've yelled.  Several times.  And I've smacked her bottom, twice.  Once after she hit me in the face, hard.  And once after she literally ran away from me in a busy parking lot.   This is not a consistent response, it's not the path I've chosen, and I know that in each case, the situation turned out the way it was going to turn out regardless of whether I yelled, or spanked, or calmly and patiently re-directed her or administered time-out.

The fact is, I have a "spirited" child who behaves like an angel with others, and explores all her boundaries with me.  I tell myself she lets it all out with me because I'm safe and she knows I'll always love her.   The first three years of her life I felt utterly confident that I'd be able to smoothly handle challenging behaviors, because how bad could she be, look how CUTE she is? 

My daughter is, admittedly, at an "interesting" age.  Other moms told me "Three is worse than Two."   I've given up on Three and am hoping for an easy Four.   But I am beginning to suspect that every age and stage is going to bring its own challenges, and there are no shortcuts.   I just have to hope that I'm a good enough mom to meet the challenges and stick to my plan... and let go of the idea that I need to be perfect or have all the answers.

No one ever talks about the "I don't believe in spanking but I didn't know what else to do and ohmygod this kid is just testing my limits!!"  moments of parenting.  

So I am officially out of the closet.  I still have a "No Spanking" policy.  I still strive to be a thoughtful parent and to seek solutions and advice.  I guess the no-spanking rule is like everything else,  you set your goals, work hard to stick to them, and start over if you need to.  

Update:  She talked about hitting a little more that week, and I haven't heard anything about it since.   I guess it's just a "thing".  I have heard "You hurt my feelings" after I say no to something she really wants, and occasionally she will say "That's a bad word!" when I say no.     In other words, typical kid stuff.    From another perspective, I have to say that I think it's good that she's identifying her own dissatisfaction or disagreement with other people or situations, and responding verbally. 

Now about the whining...