I digress...

WTF, October?



I saw a tree today that was completely yellow. Every fall I have this moment… a yellow or red tree, the slant of the sun, the blue of the sky…it momentarily takes my breath away and I think “Hey, when did this happen?? It’s fall?”



It seems like yesterday it was June. My daughter tells me about her “best friend” Mallory, her “buddy” Brodie, and her “sweetheart” Asher. Really?? When did this happen?


Last week I went to Hooterville for Octoberfestus. Many aspects of the weekend were completely enjoyable and hilarious like driving a golf cart hither and yon all day, snapping photos of my uncle’s “investment” of a Hummer that was driven proudly in the parade, (investment in what??) and snapping pics of the remnants of a 25 year-old town time-capsule that had leaked and rendered much of the contents unrecognizable. A super-creepy lady wandered up and down the table touching barely recognizable letters, remnants, scraps, etc. and bawling. Thankfully the “Dreams Do Come True” wine glass from Junior Senior Prom survived, because, as Juniors at the time, we worked really hard at transforming the VFW into a dreamy paradise. Amazing what streamers, balloons, and silver cardboard stars can do. Also, the VFW liked our decorations so much they left them up. Five years later one of my classmate’s wedding reception included certain decorative aspects of the 1986 prom… it all flowed together nicely.


But I digress. (You know, if I write a book about my life, that may be at least one chapter title.) , it was a weekend that I believe I mentioned earlier would entail the sorting and keeping and giving up of a lot of STUFF at my grandmother’s home. I promised myself I’d stick to my criteria and not gather and HOARD too much stuff… However, 2 things I did not consider… one issue was that my grandmother was finishing up her second week in the nursing home, and her decline since moving in has been notable, and even more disheartening was the decline I saw over the weekend while there. I took a lovely picture of her smiling and hugging Grace on Friday evening, by Tuesday evening she was barely responsive, needed to be fed, needed her nose wiped. No idea at this point if the decline is attributable to medication issues, strokes? or perhaps just “giving up”. But on Tuesday evening before I got on the road to come home, I also had that breathtaking feeling of “Wait! When did this happen?”


Anyway, to make a long story even longer… I ended up trading my car for Mom’s mini-van so I could drive back to Lawrence with a truckload full of bitterness, dysfunction, and resentments. Well, mostly some old photos, old Tupperware & towels, old jewelry, art, plants, etc. Over the past few days of unloading I’ve realized it was not only a “trash or treasure” kind of haul, but one perhaps best undertaken later… when decisions could be made with more clarity than sentiment. I felt like I was on one of those timed grocery store shopping sprees that people could win on tv. I felt like I was running around grabbing whatever I could and shoving it in my cart in an effort to “stock up”.


My family tree has become a family twig. For the past 20 years, it’s been Gammie, Mom, Me, and now Grace. We have “Four Generations” pictures throughout the years from when my great-grandmother was alive and my pants were both checkered and high-water. Now, with Grace in the picture, we’ve taken as many “Four Generations” pictures as we could in the past few years. The picture that has ALWAYS hung above the couch where many of our family pictures have been taken is now hanging above my couch, lending a decidedly out-of-place air of sophistication to my otherwise jumbled living room. I’ve dragged out bookcases to display “things” and “stuff” and oh yes, tons of pictures. I feel like my house is a shrine to Gammie and she’s not even gone yet. Keeping my fingers crossed that she’s still with us and somewhat coherent in a couple of weeks when I return, and now wondering what I need to sell of my previous belongings in order to accommodate the new things I brought back.


I think that for me, October is the shortest month of the year, in that it always takes me by surprise and brings with it some sense of urgency… perhaps I was a squirrel in a past life. Only now it’s the reminders that Grace is growing up, that the semester is almost halfway over, that rent is late (again), that car tags are due at the end of the month, and OH! Halloween! What will Grace be? What large overwhelming costume project will I embark on? It’s a good thing I’ve never been a leaf-raker, because THAT would send me straight over the cliff of insanity upon which I am already precariously perched.


This week’s goal is to take deep breaths and SINGLE -TASK. Multi-tasking is not working out for me, as I’ve realized in particular with regard to school. Time spent worrying and planning and running in circles is robbing me of the time I really need to focus and do “the next right thing”. Whether the next right thing is a taped episode of Oprah and a knitting session, or a cuddle with a textbook and some flashcards, or a romp in the leaves with Grace, I’m not getting any of them done when I try to do them or worry about them all at once. In fact, it’s kind of a funny mental image, really.


But I digress.