The word "positive" takes on a whole new meaning

This is the first post (of hopefully many) by Stephanie, who is here to talk to us about a unique challenge and her process of meeting the kind of goal that isn't entirely up to her. No budget can really solve this problem. Thank you, Steph, for showing up with this.

I was one of those girls that was always ‘really careful’ when I was younger because I didn’t want to get pregnant. Every time I thought that though, something else went through my mind – watch me not be able to get pregnant once I’m ready. Fast forward a few years to present day –
 I’m at the place where I’m ready to get pregnant and surprise, surprise; I can’t. My cycles were irregular when I was a teenager but I didn’t think much of it. I finally got on birth control once I met my now husband for protection and also to make me regular.

After about four years of being on the pill, and after being married for a year, my husband and I decided we’d like to start trying for a baby. This was May of 2009. The first cycle was right on schedule. The second one was about 30 days late, and the third one was about 50 days late. I knew that wasn’t normal so I called my OBGYN and she prescribed me Provera to induce a period. This was in November of 2009. I had my normal yearly exam in December and they suggested running blood work. I am petrified of anything blood/medical/hospital related so I said I’d reschedule to have the lab done another time. Two months later my cycles still were all over the place so I went to have the lab done without even telling my husband. I figured if I didn’t tell anyone I would hold myself accountable and really go. After searching on Google I was sure I was going to be diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Disease), but it turns out my labs came back mostly normal. My doctor prescribed me Clomid which helps trigger ovulation. I was on that med for 3 months and I started charting my basal body temperature (BBT) every morning and could see a definite shift in temperatures once I ovulated. The doctor wanted me to come in every cycle around cycle day 12 to make sure I ovulated, but clearly based off of my temperatures, I ovulated late so the blood work wouldn’t do me any good – plus I would do anything to avoid having blood drawn. I knew I was nearing the end of my time on Clomid because you should only take it 4-6 cycles, so I scheduled an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. It took about 3 weeks to get in and it happened to fall right as my third failed cycle on Clomid drew to an end.

The appointment lasted four hours and both my husband and I went in. He had a sperm analysis done (came back fine) and we both ended up having blood work done. We met the nurse and the doctor and I loved both of them. I felt like this was the place we were supposed to be. And I felt like we had just met the woman who was going to give us our baby. The doctor did diagnose me with a mild case of PCOS so at least I had a reason my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. They didn’t waste any time with the treatments either. Since I had just started a cycle they wanted to go full force right then, but it was all a little too much for my husband and I so we held off for a month. August 27, 2010 was the date of my first procedure. It’s called intrauterine insemination (IUI). It’s where the man gives a sperm sample, the sperm are washed so only the best are used, and they are inserted into the woman’s uterus with a catheter. It’s a very simple procedure with only minimal pain. I knew that the likelihood the procedure would work on the first attempt was slim, but two weeks later when I took a pregnancy test and only saw one line, my heart sank. I couldn’t believe how hard it hit me. It was a Friday and I was at work on the verge of tears all day. I should mention, none of our family or friends know that we are dealing with infertility. So when I have multiple doctor’s appointments in a week, I just have to make up excuses. When I’m feeling bloated from injecting myself in the stomach with hormones, or when I’m faced with another failed cycle, I just have to put a happy face on and go about my day. The hardest part was when I called my husband at lunch that day and told him it didn’t work. He sounded so surprised and that’s what sent me over the edge and finally brought tears to my eyes. I felt like a failure. Why can’t I give my husband a baby? Will he leave me because we can’t have kids? What is wrong with me?

We decided to keep moving forward and go for another IUI the very next cycle. The procedure was done on September 27, 2010, one day before my husband’s 32nd birthday. I was secretly hoping the procedure would have been done on his birthday so it was a for sure sign of success (I’m not superstitious or anything, ha!) I haven’t had any side effects from the meds or symptoms to speak of yet. The first week goes by really fast, but the second week before testing to see if it was a success or not really drags. Only a few more days until I find out! Cross your fingers that it worked!! If this cycle is a bust, we are taking off the next one for emotional and financial reasons. These treatments are not cheap and of course they are not covered by insurance. I could go into a whole other post about how much I hate insurance companies after dealing with infertility.

The one thing that has gotten me through this struggle has been the blog community. I have met so many wonderful women who have blogs and are writing about the same experiences I have gone through. Since I haven’t told anyone in real life about our situation, I can’t turn to those people for support – not to mention I don’t know of anyone that has had to deal with this. The women I’ve met through blogs not only share their stories via their own blogs, but many of us have exchanged emails and check up on each other throughout the cycles. Just yesterday I got an email from a woman who just said “just checking in! I’m praying for you every day and hope this is it!” One of the negatives to infertility is that people don’t talk about it. I don’t know if it’s because we are ashamed or what, but silence is very common among us. I have quickly realized how tight the IF blog world is because I began noticing the same people commenting on other blogs. We all started to know when one of us would get their BFP (big fat positive) and we were there to congratulate them just as much then as we were there to give them virtual HUGS when they got a BFN (big fat negative). There is also a financial support. Many women who have had success in their cycles and have leftover meds will often donate to those of us still struggling. Just this last cycle a wonderful blogger friend sent me her injectable drug and saved me $50. When I opened the package, she had written the sweetest note and included a pair of socks. There is a running joke that since we have to spend so much time in those dreaded stirrups, our feet get cold. So there is an actual website out there devoted to fertility socks. She had submitted a request for them months before she found out she was pregnant and they happened to arrive in the mail the day she shipped my drug. She said she knew the socks were meant for me. Little things like that help me to keep forging ahead and thinking positive thoughts. I WILL have my baby one day!