Envy

 The crisp air of fall is descending upon us, the feeling of fall in the air makes me want to have a crystal ball and see into the future… the winter months are approaching, my income is highly inadequate and unstable, and I would definitely prefer to keep a roof over our heads through the winter, at least. All of this puts me in the situation of feeling uncertain of the future, desperately needing to stick to a budget, and doubting my ability to keep all the balls in the air (think juggling,people.)

For those reasons, I have been particularly interested to read about Megan’s adventures in budgeting, and now Jen’s advice about not talking smack on my life. My life has not always been as good as it is now, honestly. I just forget to remember that. And in the tidal wave of each passing week, I find myself bobbing along clutching a log, barely coming up for air, and when I do come up for air I am jealous of someone else’s log, and how well their hair is holding up.

According to thesaurus.com envy is synonymous with jealousy, grudgingness, lusting, resentment, and spite(among others). It is also noted that jealousy is reflective of a person’s feelings toward another person, whereas envy is reflective of resentment of another person’s advantages or accomplishments. In other words, I’m not jealous or resentful of YOU, I’m envious of your STUFF.


I’m envious of where you are in your life because I haven’t walked all those miles in your shoes, I just see the end result. I want to feel as confident/happy/smart/ as you look. I’m envious of a friend who has a newborn baby because I miss the baby stage. I’m envious of another friend who has a child who is 9, is much more independent than my 3 year old, and who she has shared custody with… she only has to be “responsible for the kid” half the week. I know, that’s crazy.


I have a 3 year old who is lovely, smart, and funny… she’s also a giant emotional pinball machine… you never know which way the ball is going to go zooming as she wildly flails in a big flashing pit of emotions that she has no control over. Moderation has not yet entered her repertoire. I’m jealous of one person’s green eyes and another person’s great shoe collection. I’m especially envious of people who have someone around on a regular basis to pick up the slack during the moments when I cannot be super-mommy, when I need to go back to school, when we need a package of pull-ups and I only have a $5. Don’t think that I’m not extremely grateful for the support that we do have, it’s been far more than I ever expected when I set out on this journey three years ago.


I’m convinced that two things are at work in my silly little head that facilitate all of this envy. One is the fact that I’m most certainly talking trash on myself inside my head, and didn’t really think about it too much til Jen pointed it out in her first entry. And the other thing is the fact that not everything is within my control. I want to be the director, run the show, and have everything go exactly as planned, because everyone is doing exactly what I tell them to do. It's not working. 


 So I’m here trying to gain little measures of control over the things that I can change, and accept the things I can’t. And for crying out loud, I’ve got to let go of the rest. In my mind, the more I struggle and kick and scream for control, the more I’m like my daughter, the unpredictable and emotional pinball machine. Tilt!


The more I am clutching at stuff with closed fists and trying to keep all the balls in the air, the less open I am to being able to catch the lovely moments, gratefully receive the gifts, and hear the messages being whispered to me. Interestingly, the antonyms to ENVY are: comfort, confidence, contentedness, good will, kindness, and pleasure. I’d like to get me some of THAT! So this week, I’m listening, palms turned upward, mind quiet. Bring it.