"Family game night" is my husband's idea of his own personal hell. The idea of sitting around playing board games and "gee golly-ing" all night makes him throw up a little in his mouth. And I get it. We were, just a few years ago, Lawrence scenesters in our own way. We went out to bars, saw movies at Liberty Hall, or took in a local band several nights a week.
Now, there is a baby. So not only is there no time for all of that gadding about, but there's really no money for it either. We find ourselves at home more and more all the time, and we're getting more and more used to it.
I still have not warmed him up to board games, but I have found ways to make our weekend nights at home something to look forward to instead of being a big sigh of resignation week after week. And, truth be told, I think our marriage is stronger, our parenting is better, and certainly our finances are improved for it.
At first I worried that we weren't taking enough time for dates for just the two of us. Everything you read insists that dates away from the baby are vital to a successful marriage. Oh no! We're not "dating" enough! But then I thought, "You know, when I was 'dating' back in the day, it often amounted to dinner and a movie at home." So why not plan dates at home? Our baby goes to bed by 8:00 at night, so we don't have to worry about paying a babysitter or wrangling our friends to watch him, and we don't have to get dressed up (unless we want to), and we can pause the movie for bathroom breaks, which I think is a highly under-rated luxury. Also, we can have cocktails or wine and not have to worry about who is going to drive us home at the end of the night. It's ingenious! Why didn't anyone tell me that staying home was so stinking cool?
There are several pieces to the "home date" that have to be in place for it to be successful.
1) The house has to be at least moderately clean. I cannot sit down and relax with my husband if there is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and the floor is littered with toys or dog hairs.
2) Everyone has to get involved. I cannot bond with my husband if I am in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove and he is in the living room watching Star Trek. If it's a date, we're cooking together, clearing together, and doing the dishes together.
3) It has to be special. We communicate about what we want for dinner just like we would if we were picking a restaurant, and we choose a favorite meal that might be more complicated than something we cook on a weeknight. We also talk about it at least three days in advance so we feel like we have it to look forward to.
4) It has to be win-win. One person cannot force the other to endure a movie, a cuisine, a game or activity that the other doesn't like or at least agree to. We get movies from Netflix two at a time, and we are careful to load up our queue with things that appeal to both of us. If two movies are coming, one is for him, and one is for me - if we can't find two that strongly appeal to us both.
5) It helps if there is a tradition involved. For example, when we were first dating, our favorite thing was to eat pasta and watch The Sopranos on Sunday nights. Now, we're excited for Boardwalk Empire, so I made a lasagna this week and it was "just like old times" while we watched our new gangster show.
On Sunday night, my husband kept saying how happy he was to be home with me, and mostly I think it was the lasagna talking, but I daresay he's been domesticated. We watched our shows, talked about some of the issues the shows dealt with, and paused to go back in for just one more bite of pasta. I'm confident that our marriage is well-tended, and our baby will have us both under one roof for a long time if we keep this kind of thing up.
This is not to say that cooking a meal and watching a movie will solve marital problems. It won't. But a little low-stress togetherness goes a long way toward maintaining the close connection that is necessary for long and happy marriages.
My next plan is to create a big Asian feast for us. He can roll eggrolls while I stir fry my little heart out. And maybe I can talk him into a family game night, if it involves the Wii. If I challenge him early to a Guitar Hero tournament, he'll have all week to practice up.
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